Phillies Rumors+Latest News+Blog Talk|Phillies Trade Rumors,Prospects 2010

Can Strong Spring equal October Success?

2010-03-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

By Anthony J. Machcinski

As we hit the beginning of March Madness, the Philadelphia Phillies are almost halfway through spring training. As the weather in the Philadelphia area has begun to heat up, so has the starting rotation.

Citing an article from Daily News writer Dave Murphy, he notes that Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels, J.A. Happ, Kyle Kendrick and Joe Blanton have all had great spring trainings. The unfortunate part for the Phillies: it’s only March.

But what is to make of this March success?

For Kyle Kendrick, it is the observation that he should clearly be the frontrunner for the 5th starters job under the tutelage of veteran Roy Halladay. For Cole Hamels, its worth noting that his demeanor on the mound has improved, and he looks like the 2008 Post Season MVP, not the average starter with subpar stuff in 2009.

For the Phillies, who Dave Murphy notes have not finished in the top 5 in ERA in the past few years, it’s a nice thought to watch as 5 of your six starters dominate. Jamie Moyer has yet to play in the grapefruit league and apparently still holds the #5 job over Kendrick.

It will be noted, however, that this team does not need huge pitching success in order to win. Simply Roy Halladay alone could get the Phillies to the Promised Land. He will be better than Cliff Lee along with the 5th starters that they had in the beginning of the 2009 season. The hitting is what needs to be there for the Phillies. If Howard, Utley, and Rollins fail to produce in the batters box, the Phillies will succumb to a rough first half. Last year is the perfect example, when Rollins hit sub .250 in the first half, the Phillies did little to get the job done.

Sure, right now the Phillies can get a “collective Cy Young” Dave Murphy, but until the calendar turns to April, nothing counts and nothing matters.

Finally Spring Training is underway

2010-03-05T15:45:00.000-08:00

By Tom Schalata

It seems like light years ago that the last out was made in the World Series, and those dreaded Yankees put another feather in their cap in their new ballpark, to boot!

As we flipped the calendar to November, then December, then January, then February, and finally March, blanket upon blanket of new fallen snow buried the field at Citizens Bank Park to the point where Opening Day appeared to be a pipe dream.

The sun is shining in Clearwater, and the temperatures here in Philly are warming to the point where we can think about baseball again.

How ironic it is that the first real test of Spring for the Phils would be against those Yankees. Can't we put them in our rearview mirror for once? I am beginning to feel like the Red Sox before our old pals, Schilling and Francona banished the Bambino's Curse. Was that really six years ago?

New third sacker, but familiar old face, Placido Polanco, had a rocky start to his new position, but we can't panic after one game. Charlie says he'll be fine.

On the other hand, Roy Halladay was Roy Halladay. Once again it was only one game, and a couple of innings at that, but you can see why Ruben Amaro Jr. was anxious to put him in red pinstripes.

Many Phillies fans are lamenting that Halladay and Cliff Lee aren't 1 and 1A in the rotation. It would have been great, and it would have been the "Yankee" thing to do, but when you look at the rest of the NL, you have to believe that the Phillies chances for a "three-peat" look pretty good on paper.

Probably the biggest downside for the Phillies this year is going into the season without Harry Kalas behind the microphone. (See my earlier blog).

We will watch the rest of Spring Training closely, and hope that Cole Hamels can get his zing back, Brad Lidge can get his zang back, and Charlie Manuel can sort out the bench and the bullpen.

Let's shoot for the Yankees one more time! See ya' later.

Remembering the old days of baseball's hot stove talk and autograph collecting

2010-02-17T10:24:00.000-08:00

While we're waiting for Spring Training to get into full swing, we can always reflect on the good old days.

Years ago, when the ground was covered with a white blanket of snow, and icicles hung from the roof, it was time for "hot stove talk." Oh wait! We do have snow on the ground, up to our waist, and there are three-foot icicles hanging from the roof!

The term "hot stove," however, came from the days when men gathered around the pot belly stove, at the general store or the barber shop, and swapped stories about baseball. Stories about days gone by, and the play of Grover Alexander, Chuck Klein and Lefty O'Doul, or the promise of another Spring with the likes of Andy Seminick, Richie Ashburn or Robin Roberts.

Speaking of the good old days, getting an autograph, years ago, was a lot easier than it is today. There were no autograph sessions where you paid $10 to 20 for a ballplayer's signature.

At Connie Mack Stadium, for instance, we would hang out on the street, and just wait for players to come out the door onto the sidewalk.

One night, when my sister, Marianne, was about seven years old, she approached a towering player who just entered the crowd on the street. She piped up, "Hey, mister, are you anybody important?"

"Oh, I don't know," came the reply.

She quickly shoved a baseball in his face and said, "Well, give me your autograph anyway!"

He graciously complied, and when she returned, I asked her, "who was it?"

"I don't know, some big guy," she quipped as she handed me the ball, and I read the signature Hank Aaron!

On another occasion, my father caught a foul ball that was hit by a player on the Milwaukee Braves club. After the game, he asked one of the players hanging out of the window on the team bus to pass the ball back to player who hit it, and have him sign it. He gladly obliged. Problem was, three weeks later, we needed a baseball for a pick-up game and guess which one we used?

Yes, those were the days, and Veterans Stadium was quite the same. A kid could wait after a game and get dozens of autographs outside the stadium.

Some of the autograph's that I managed to collect over the years include: Tony Perez, Richie Ashburn, Tim McCarver, Bob Boone, Jerry Martin, Denny Doyle, Frank Luchese, Deron Johnson, Jim Bunning, and Pete Rose.

Heck, when my father was a kid, living in Mayfair back in the 1930's and 40's, he used to play catch in the evenings with some of the A's players, who lived in the neighborhood. That was also the era of strictly day games.

Yes. Players were accessible in those days, and perhaps, that is why a trip to Spring Training is so popular. It is an opportunity to get a little closer to the players.

Fantasy Camp is another popular way for baseball fans to rub elbows with the players. For a week, or so, an ordinary Joe, can put on the Phillies' pinstripes, and make like a big-leaguer!

Well, I guess that's enough reminiscing for now. I'll close with a poem written by James Michener in 1980 when he heard the Phillies beat Kansas City in the World Series. Michener penned the poem while flying on a plane bound for Bangkok.

Crash the cymbals, blare the trumpets,
Wreathe their noble brows with laurel.
Heap the festive board with crumpets
And with decorations floral.
They deserve the fairest lilies-
Who? The Phillies.

Through the long dark years they stumbled
Scarred with deep humiliations
But our cheering never crumbled
And we kept our expectations.
Yes, we loved them for their sillies-
Who? The Phillies.

Triple plays that did not triple,
Strikeouts with the bases loaded.
Pitchers serving up the cripple,
All our hopes again exploded.
Are they not a bunch of dillies?
Who? The Phillies.

Far behind in early innings,
Doomed to tragedy eternal,
They turn losses into winnings
Through some holy fire internal.
They give the enemies the willies-
Who? The Phillies.

Bang the drum and toot the oboes,
Dance until the earth has shaken.
Cheer, for our beloved hobos
Have at last brought home the bacon.

Garland them with timeless lilies!
Although they are a bunch of dillies
Who give honest men the willies-
We still love them for their sillies-
Hail, The Phillies.

See ya next time! - Tom Schalata

Groundhog sees his shadow, Phil predicts eight more weeks of Spring Training

2010-02-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

As pitchers and catchers report to Clearwater, Florida, the Phillies are looking to make a little club history.

If the 2010 season goes according to plan, the Phils can win their fourth straight Eastern Division title for the first time ever, and three-peat the National League Pennant, for the first time, as well.

The last time the Phillies won three straight division titles took place in 1976, 1977 and 1978. None of those teams made it to the World Series, however. That would have to wait until the breakthrough year in 1980.

From a pitching standpoint, Ruben Amaro Jr. has made a few moves to shore up the pitching staff by trading Cliff Lee and acquiring the coveted Roy Halladay.

The right-handed ace, Halladay, will join Cole Hamels (lefty), J.A. Happ (righty), and Joe Blanton (righty), in the rotation. Candidates for the fifth starter position are: Jamie Moyer (lefty), Kyle Kendrick (righty) and Antonio Bastardo (lefty). Don't count out Pedro Martinez, however. The Phils are still considering bringing back Pedro in case of injury, etc.

Of the expected seven bullpen positions, six spots are pretty much filled. (The only exceptions would be through injury or if Brad Lidge or J. C. Romero are not ready for the start of the season.) Those six are: Ryan Madson, Danys Baez, Chad durbin, Jose Contreras, Lidge and Romero.

Contreras was signed Jan. 28 to sure up the pen. The right-hander signed a $1.5 million deal. He was 6-13 with a 4.92 era in 28 games last year combined while pitching for the White Sox and the Rockies.

Most notable, was the the fact that he was 1-0 with a 1.59 era with the Rockies in two starts, with 17 strikeouts in 17.0 innings. He also made two postseason starts last year vs. the Phils.

Contreras was signed by the Yankees as a free agent in 2003, and in 2005, he was 15-7 with a 3.61 era with the White Sox.

The 33-year-old, right-handed throwing, Baez, signed a two-year deal with the Phillies.

Filling the last spot in the pen, that's where it gets interesting!

Six other hurlers are in the mix for the final spot. They are: Scott Mathieson, Sergio Escalona, Drew Naylor, Drew Carpenter, Mike Zakurski, and Eric Gagne.

Mathieson and Gagne, while both longshots, are also both quite intruiging.

Both hurlers are trying to comeback from Tommy John surgery.

Gagne is 34, and was deemed, at one time, to be one of the best closers in baseball. He saved 55 games for the Dodgers in 2003.

Mathieson, on the other hand, will turn 29 years old on Feb. 27. He was one of the Phillies top pitching prospects, but has had three elbow surgeries in three years. He started in the Phils' farm system in 2006. Although he was not given a contract last year, he has been invited to Spring Training in 2010, and reports are that he looks good, and he has been throwing in the 92 mph range.

Gagne was given a look by the Phillies and the Colorado Rockies in January, but as of right now, he is still unsigned. The former closer stated that he would be willing to accept a minor league contract.

So, as those of us up here in the Northeast prepare for a few more weeks of snow and winter weather, we can only hope that Punxatawny Phil saw another World Series appearance for the Fightin' Phils, in addition to his shadow! - Tom Schalata

While Phillies write checks to players, Jamie Moyer banks on fans to do same for Haiti

2010-01-22T12:46:00.000-08:00

The Philadelphia Phillies spent the best part of the day, Thursday, writing out checks, and inking Shane Victorino and Joe Blanton to new deals, securing them in the team's future, at least for the next couple of years.

Victorino, the fleet-footed, Golden Glove center fielder, is reportedly locked up for three years at $22 million, while Blanton, the 29-year-old bulldog of the pitching staff, also signed a three-year deal, said to be worth $24 million.

Both players were major contributors for the Phillies' back-to-back National League Pennants in '08 and '09. Victorino hit .292 with 62 RBIs and 25 SBs last season, while Blanton, a right hander, was 16-8 with a 4.09 ERA, since joining the team in '08. He has averaged close to 200 innings a year over the last three seasons.

Blanton, a Kentucky native, gave an interview on Sirius/XM's Major League Home Plate Thursday, and reiterated how happy he was to be in Phillies pinstripes, after being traded from the Oakland Athletics roughly a year-and-a-half ago.

Meanwhile, 47-year-old left hander, Jamie Moyer, was also a guest on Major League Home Plate on Friday, and his main concern, in addition to getting ready for the 2010 season, was to raise $50,000 to help those in need in Haiti through his Moyer Foundation.

The Moyer Foundation (www.MoyerFoundation.org), founded by the Phillies' pitcher, Jamie Moyer and his wife, Karen, announced that the organization will match up to $50,000 in donations through their “Helping Hearts Campaign” that was created to support emergency relief efforts specifically targeted to helping child victims of the devastating earthquake in Haiti.

In a statement released by the non-profit organization, Moyer noted, "We are all human beings with compassion, and we need to end the suffering."

MLBs winningest active pitcher and Co-founder of The Moyer Foundation, continued, saying, “As an athlete, I hope that my fans, Phillies fans, Moyer Foundation fans and anyone who supports our mission will team up with us on this effort to help children in Haiti.”

The Moyer Foundation was established 10 years ago to help children in distress, and its mission statement further notes that the organization's purpose is to offer encouragement, comfort and support to children enduring a time of profound emotional, physical or financial distress.

In the meantime, the ageless veteran prepares for another baseball season, with 258 victories under his belt, and he can only guess whether his career will take him to age 50.

Jamie Moyer apparently, is up for the challenge. For the sake of the children in earthquake-ravaged Haiti, he hopes that Phillies fans are, too! - Tom Schalata

Phillies add new faces for 2010, but will start season "Harry-less"

2010-01-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

With pitchers and catchers set to report to Clearwater in a few weeks to begin training camp, a handful of new faces will be among the 2009 National League Pennant winners. One familiar, smiling face will be missing. That, of Hall of Fame broadcaster, Harry Kalas.

Since 1971, generations of Phillies fans have listened to the soft-spoken announcer with the golden voice, but this year it will be different. Kalas passed away last April during the season.

Whether he was describing the on-field play of a last place team with Willie Montenez, Barry Lersch and Denny Doyle, or the 1980 World Champions that included Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose and Tug McGraw, or the 2008 World Champs of Jimmie Rollins, Ryan Howard and Chase Utley, he was there for us.

We went along for the ride, pitch by pitch, hit by hit, out by out, and the occasional "That baby's outta here! Home run...(fill in the blanks)! No one will pronounce those household names in Phillies pinstripes quite the same: "Michael Jack Schmidt," "Mickey Mor-en-din-i," "Garry Lee Maddox."

A dozen years ago, we lost "His Whiteness," Richie Ashburn, and gone in a blink was "Whitey's famous comment, "Oh, brother!" That and a bucket of baseballs filled with humorous stories that kept the fans entertained, even when the home team couldn't. He was one of the reasons we tuned into the game.

We thought we'd survive without Whitey, and with Harry, but here we are. We are trying to win our third straight pennant, and Harry's not here to take us through it. He's not here to revel in it with us. He's not here to enjoy the victories or soften the defeats, and that is going to be tough.

Last spring, when 10,000 devoted fans showed up at Citizens Bank Park to bid Harry farewell, you knew he was more than a great voice over the airwaves. He was a great human being. There was an outpouring of emotions and stories from those whose lives he touched.

Within weeks, a book was published containing many of the memories people had about him, and wanted to share with the rest of us.

In the mid-1970's, my father befriended Harry Kalas through letter-writing, hanging out at Veterans Stadium after games hoping for a quick conversation, and by tracking him down at the bar at the team's hotel at various away games.

Never did the avid Phillies fan ever take advantage of their friendship by asking for free tickets, baseballs, autograph's, etc. All he wanted was a chance to talk about the game over a gin and tonic with one of his idols.

The highlight of their friendship came when my father invited him for a drink at the local V.F.W., in Pottstown, and Kalas obliged. When the two walked through the door of the club, jaws dropped.

In May 1997, in the midst of the baseball season, Harry Kalas took time out of his busy schedule to attend my father's funeral. He was that kind of guy.

The 2010 campaign officially kicks off with a Spring Training game on March 4 vs. the New York Yankees. Go figure!

The Phils added a new ace to the staff, with Roy Halladay finally making his way from the Blue Jays, and we say goodbye to Cliff Lee, who's off to Seattle. We welcome back Placido Polanco, who will replace Pedro Feliz at third.

Between now and opening day there are other changes that are bound to be made, but this season the Phillies will be "Harry-less." - Tom Schalata

This is the End.... Beautiful Friend.

2009-11-05T11:12:00.000-08:00

My goal was to be one of the 1st unpaid accounts of Game 6. Unfortunately it wound up being the last game of the coveted Northeast World Series, with my positive attitude nowhere to be found.

If only every World Series could be as good as that. It was quite fun to have such a close battle, with the two best teams in baseball. There's no doubt in my mind that if anyone, OTHER than the Phillies were to take on those Damn Yankees, it wouldn't have been such a thrilling series. The games were great, the match-ups perfect, the on-field attitude of most players stayed upbeat and pretty positive. It's kinda cool to see Jeter and J. Roll chatting it up every chance they get. It's a good reminder where the heart of the game truly lies.

Now onto the shit. Game 6, what a F***** travesty. It really began when I noticed the amount of empty seats behind home plate in the Bronx. The last thing I want to be is another Phil's fan talking smack on the Yankees/Their Fans. I grew up with a TON of hardcore and REAL Yankees Fans. Teams like the Yanks AND the Phil's (in recent years) have always had their bandwagon fans. Especially when they start to win. But this took it to a whole new level.

It was the bottom of the 7th and there were literally 10+ empty, plush leather, fold-up seats behind home base. Oh yeah the kicker? Is it the fact that it's the World Series? No. Is it the fact that your team is about to WIN said Series, the first year in their new stadium? No. It's the fact that it was the LARGEST crowd ever at New Yankees Stadium. Something like 50,000+. Where are the ones with the good seats? GOOD QUESTION! It was easy to see Rudy Giuliani clapping right behind the on-deck circle. What the rest of you NYC elite too cool to help Rudy cheer you to your 27th World Series title? Gimme a Break.

I've been saying this all year and it's not stopping now that our season is over. The pitching is the reason that we didn't win that Series. It's one thing to work on the powerhouse of a bullpen that we were blessed with last year, for the entire season. It's something completely different to bring in Pedro on short rest with a noticeable glitch in his step. I am the biggest Charlie Manuel fan I know, but that was hard to watch. Luckily, with a few clutch defensive plays we were able to get him through the 4th; nothing worthy of a start in the do-or-die scenario we were facing. He seemed off kilter from the beginning, with his first "fastball" registering at 81 mph. I'm sorry but if you can't put more heat on that pitch, you have effectively lost your ability to throw anything else in your repertoire. There is no ability to have a change in velocity at this point, and Matsui's abuse of anything he threw, was proof enough. Do you think that his start put the nail in our post-season coffin? I do. The only thing that would've been worse would've been watching Cole Hamels start game 7.

Speaking of, with a season ending ERA of almost 7.5 and a comment about wanting the season to be over, how much faith was he really worth? I mean I get it, he's only 25 and probably has no idea how to handle the fact that every start he has is alright, followed by an direct relationship of his ERA going up, the more innings he plays. I'm sorry but with that kind of attitude I wouldn't be starting him on the presumptive biggest game of the year. Oh well I guess we didn't get there, so that's another topic.

If it wasn't for Chase "Mr. Baseball" Utley's incredible showing at all 6 games, we wouldn't have been able to even talk about a game 6 or 7. Plus, someone in Center City give that man a back-rub, his shoulders have got to be sore from carrying the entire team through the World Series. It's tough to watch a team of homerun hitters, come out of the post-season with averages under .200, no HRs and barely any RBIs. The only decision that facilitated any more home run hitting was putting in Francisco, and making Ibanez DH. With all of the Raul choking going on, it's like having a half-off pressure sale for him. Take away the fact that he has to think about the whole inning, and apparently he can swing the bat. I've heard some things about his temper not being so good, and it looks like he could probably put up a mental wall to block his natural potential. That's about the only thing I can come up with after his piss-poor showing this post-season. Speaking of weak bats, I wonder if the hit to Shane Victorino's hand actually had a more profound effect than realized. He was nursing his hand all game 5 and it was smart for Charlie to take him out. It's one thing to be tough, it's another to screw with the overall success of the team... especially during the World Series. Luckily Howard was able to hit a small dinger to bring us up to 3 runs by the end of the game. Another example of a big hitter, not showing up to bat...

Chan Ho Park actually showed up to do some work last night, which was a bit relieving. Get it?

Yeah, that's about all I have left. It has been an incredible season, full of memories and good games. The boys are off to rest-up for Spring Training. See you all in May. Stay warm and have a fantastic Winter.

Love.

A. Trout.

P.S.- My landlords hand delivered me a 2-foot cheesesteak last night. I live in California. Best. Neighbors. Ever.

A Quick One, SINCE he's Away...

2009-10-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

It has been ages since I have had the pleasure of posting anything on this wonderful site, due to a recent move. I'm still getting settled, but with all of this incredible action going on, and NO ONE else posting anything about it, I felt it right to say something. We're 3-1 in the NLCS right now and with the home field advantage, the momentum from J Roll's 2 out, 2 RBI bottom of 9th triumph to win the game, all signs are coming up Philly. Let's just hope this can continue the way we all know it should. The Yanks have also just beaten the Angels 10-1, taking the series to 3-1 into the 5th game. This October could prove to be a rager in the Great White NorthEast, even though Phish is 3000 miles away.... Love you all, see ya REAL soon.

A. Trout.

Pittsburgh Pimpin' truly ain't Easy; Pure Negative Conceit Park

2009-08-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

The grace of the Western PA Gods have struck into the coal mining vein, hitting gold. An unreal last minute charge left our gents hurting, pants down.

This is going to be a short one, based on sheer amazement. I know I have mentioned the unpredictability of the game, but things are always out of YOUR control. Bringing a last minute win is something I have come to know in Philadelphia, but to realize the actual impact of such reliably consistent plays is a missed act. These maneuvers leave fans in awe, with statistics mongers in peril. Based on performance, our Phils have been up and down, also taking the cake when you least expect.

Tonight, forget all you knew. With Blanton doing 6 innings, and earning 3 runs,it made sense. But low and behold, things have changed a bit in the numbers category.

Fast Forward...............After getting fellas on base in the top o' 9, the Phils were sittin' pretty with a 4-3 lead heading into the basement. Lidge came in to the game; we could only be hopeful. Instead, it reminded me of things I have tried to forget in my past. Things that stink like bad feet... 6th loss of the season, throwing three hits and THE walk-off homer, sealing the deal. BL makes ya think. How much longer can we predict performance amongst the ranks? The best bullpen is only as silky as it's favorite J. Peterman rough wear button-down.

Sometimes it's all about the vent. Let go of the heat and let things feel the way you want them to. Rochelle, Rochelle.

Truly a reminder from the past. A way to show the reality of being a Philadelphia Phillies fan... See you soon.

Love,

A trout.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

2009-08-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

...Now outta that tight pose and onto some more enlightening behavior; that is, positive thinking about the Phillies. When I last left you, things weren’t exactly the way we like them. Rough seas had plagued the Delaware River making winning, hitting and fielding a challenge.

But like I said onto better things! Pull a 180 and find yourself in the NL looking down upon all competitors. Things couldn’t have be going much better for the Fightin’ Phils as they strolled into Citi Field this week for a 4 game stand against the Mets. With the Mets taking the first game and the Phils rallying for the second, we found ourselves in the midst of once thought “easy” series. NO, this is the METS! We GOT this!

Sunday, things got off to a quick start with Werth’s 29th HR of the year, a 3 run in the top of the 1st. Then Carlos Ruiz shows up, taking care of business batting ANOTHER 3 run in the top of the 1st. You kiddin’ me? Aaaannnnd we had a batting problem when? This led to one of the best things I’ve ever seen in any Phils, Mets game. Jerry “whatchu talkin’ bout?” Manuel takes an angered walk to the mound and pulls Oliver Perez in the 1st!!! Oh yeah, Pedro Martinez was coming up to bat! I mean who pulls their starter against the opposing pitcher in the 1st? Jerry Manuel that’s who bitches…

When the Met’s finally got their chance to bat that inning, a very interesting play occurred. A hit to center field found Victorino chasing the ball towards the padding. At the crux (Kruk’s HA) of the warning track and the padding, the ball gets stuck. Shane throws his hands in the air (again!) signaling a problem. Ibanez runs up, gets it out and throws to the infield, resulting in an inside the park homerun. While it was another of Shane’s fine hand motions, it’s an interesting point to arrive at. With all the fields and all the games in a season, it must be terribly difficult to remember all of the ground rules at all of the different parks. At Fenway, you stay away from the Ivy. Hand in Ivy = Playable, Hands up = No Dice. Regardless, I guess it’s just another one of the awesome responsibilities glued to the millions that accompany the position of a professional baseball player…

We did see a few nice firsts this game also. Pedro Martinez had his first hit as a Phil, knocking in Ibanez for an RBI in the top of the 3rd. We also were privy to an MLB-wide first. Eric Bruntlett seized the first EVER unassisted triple play to end the game in the 9th inning. All I have to say is wow, whoever thought we’d see Bruntlett in Cooperstown?! The Phils walked away from Sunday with a W and a final of 9-7 (after a rather bittering 9th inning Mets rally).

Monday’s afternoon game was another good day to remind ourselves that we aren’t New York. Winning the game, 6-2 while taking the series 3 for 4, we managed to push ourselves to 40-21 on the road this season, being 18-7 in August. That’s pretty impressive if I do say so myself. With the win we achieved a season-high, 22 games over .500 with a record of 72-50, winning the past 3 in a row.

Cliff Lee started the game, going a total of 7 innings, taking the win (5-0 as a Phil; another record) and accumulating a 0.68 ERA starting with the Phillies. Absolutely stunning. Raul finally got his bat on the ball, hitting an RBI his first in the past 8 games (just keep swimming.). The Big Man, Ryan Howard hit 2 HR and 5 RBI, making today his 21st multi-homerun game. This now makes him #3 overall on the Phillies list of multi-homerun hitters. His 2nd HR of the game (33rd of the season) marked another record-breaking point for Ryan Howard, being the 2nd Phillie in franchise history to put together 4 consecutive 30+ HR and 100+ RBI seasons. Read it again. Let me just summarize this way; the only other Phil to ever achieve this mark was Chuck Klein from the ’29-’32 seasons. Big Man. What more do you need to know?

Luckily I get to leave you somewhere better this week. Off to Pittsburgh for a hopeful sweep to add to our 7 game lead of the NL East (our 3rd time this season achieving such a margin). With Joe Blanton starting, I think we can feel good. See you soon.

Andy Troutman
8/24/09

Gone Fishin'...

2009-08-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

When you watch pro-baseball, there are always those bad days. The days when you feel bad for the random outfielder (not on your team) when he drops the giveaway fly. Or when your team succumbs to a 3 game sweep by the Florida Marlins, for the first time in 5 years at home… sound familiar? Yikes! It’s all toooooo real! Here we are, still sitting in 1st place while the Marlins come to our town, take us in 3 and push themselves ahead to a mere 4 games back. Remember those days of being 7 ahead?

Having lost the past 8 of 11, the Phillies may have let the first 2 of this series get to them. Losing 12-3 on Sunday, it was almost as surreal as a circus. First Howard “strikes out” on a ball. Enough said, with yet another argument for replay in baseball (un-biased account and just a statement). Then, Shane Victorino gets booted while standing in center field, for a “questionable” hand motion. Not middle finger’d, no ah-fan-goo’d; he literally just threw his hands in the air. The real problem comes in when he goes nuts (possibly due to his attendance of the UFC fight last night?) and shoves Paul Bako and Charlie out of the way, hard. Not cool whatsoever and extremely IMMATURE.

This was a very interesting call however, one which requires examination. Baseball is a game of situations. Those situations are always unpredictable. Unfortunately, this game lends itself to having those situations pang the memory of a player, coach or in this case, umpire. This isn’t just a fan standing up for what he loves, but a fan of baseball questioning the motives of an official. Today, it seemed as if these 4 stooges had their minds elsewhere. In the 1st, Rollins was given a run that he (from most replay angles) didn’t earn. Thanks Guys! Then we have the pitching issues. We also have the attitude problem issued from the radiance of our awesomeness! But seriously, sometimes it is hard lesson to remember; we aren’t in charge of that field (even as much as we would like to think we are…)

Pitching wise, Moyer shows up starting with a lifetime record of 13-2 against the Marlins. You couldn’t pay for those numbers. Then today he gives up 11 hits and 3 runs, but DOES go 6 innings. The “Charlie Conversations” concerning Jamie have been released and there is a possibility of the Phils going to a starting rotation of 5 with Happ, Lee, and Martinez, while breaking Moyer. There has also been talk about keeping Jamie, starting the new guys and having a 6-man rotation. The only real issue is whether or not the break will actually help Jamie. We have seen him slump in the past few starts, but being such a wise and mature pitcher, maybe he needs to stay motivated (and NOT break) in order to keep morale high within himself. I also have enough faith in him to think that he would know when he needs a break… just a thought.

The real core of the issue comes to the fact that they Phillies simply haven’t been playing good baseball. The bulk of the lineup has been struggling with Howard and Ibanez going homer-less in the past 12 games. We can literally forget Brad Lidge for the time being, with a 7.24 ERA, the worst in the MLB in closers. If you’re wondering where the hitting of games past has gone, fear not, you are not alone. If you are wondering when the pitching will birth something new, fear not, the announcement is soon. If you are wondering WHEN this is all gonna take hold and shift the attitude of our fearless squadron, stay tuned with me…

By: Andy Troutman
8/9/09

The Pros and Cons of the Lee Deal

2009-07-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

The Phillies landed their (other) coveted Cy Young winner.

Cliff Lee, best known for his 2008 season in which he was 22-3 with a 2.54 ERA, earning him the AL Cy Young award. This season, the southpaw has a 3.14 ERA while going deep into many of those games. He is the player Philadelphia needed, and at much less cost than his counterpart Roy Halladay. However, General Manager Ruben Amaro should be praised for his fine work in this deal. Here are the positives associated with this deal:

- The Phillies get their top of rotation starter who eats innings, giving the Phillies bullpen a much needed rest.
- The cost for Lee was considerably less in terms of prospects, as the Phillies viewed Kyle Drabek, J.A. Happ, and Dominic Brown, those who were being asked for in exchange for Halladay, as their best young players in the system.
- Lee gives the team much needed financial flexibility, as already the payroll is far past its record high. Lee costs the Phillies nearly half as much as related to Halladay's contract.
- The possibly most interesting fact of this trade: The left-handed dominant line-up of the Phillies will not have to face Lee if he was traded to an NL contender such as the Dodgers.
- Lee is eligible for the free agent market after the 2010 season, which will motivate him to perform well to get his huge contract following that season.
- Lee's use of the breaking ball will change the eye level of hitters and their approach to the plate, as the other Phillies lefties, Happ, Moyer, and Hamels, rely on their change-up for deception.
- Prospects who are traded often do not succeed in the Majors, as their are many question marks with most young talent.

The positives definitely outweigh the negatives of the deal:

- Lee is no Roy Halladay, who is considered possibly the best pitcher in the league.
- The Phillies will now have four left handed starters until Pedro Martinez makes his possible debut.
- Lee is only locked up for one and a half years, which questions the long term future of the Phillies.
- Jason Knapp, only 18, has drawn comparisons to Roy Halladay.

Simply put, the Phillies found a way to get the reigning Cy Young winner on their first place team to make them the favorite to win the NL Pennant for the next two years.

Cliff Lee Trade

2009-07-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the Phillies for completing a trade for Cliff Lee, also a former Cy Young winner like Roy Halladay. The trade includes Lee and Ben Francisco, a right handed outfield bat the team also needed. The Phillies in return gave up some highly touted prospects, catcher Lou Marson, pitchers Carlos Carrasco and Jason Knapp, and infielder Jason Donald. Although scouts figure that Marson and Donald have All-Star potential, Knapp is considered the key to this deal, since the Indians view him as a true future number one starter. However, we must applaud the Phillies for bolstering their inconsistent rotation in exchange for prospects that often do not succeed in the majors. More reaction to this trade after we see Lee and Francisco join the team officially.

The Latest Reaction to the Halladay Trade Rumors

2009-07-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

By: Evan Flamm
7/27/09

Of course the stats look rather impressive. 11-3 for a meager team, with a 2.62 ERA and 4 complete games. Roy Halladay would be the perfect fix to the leaky rotation that has been the Phillies of late. He is a big righty who eats up innings from the bullpen and the type of pitcher that makes each team on the Phillies schedule hope that they will miss his turn in the rotation. Also, his impressive ERA is somewhat inflated in comparison to National League pitchers as the DH spot creates more runs and he faces the hefty line-ups of the American League East like the Red Sox, Yankees, and (formerly the Devil) Rays. Trading for such a special player seems like a no-brainer, until you see what they are requesting in return for a yearly Cy Young candidate.

J.P. Ricciardi, the general manager of the Toronto Blue Jays, is looking for a king's ransom in return for his top-of-league starter. He is simply asking for the gem of the Phillies farm system, Kyle Drabek, an emerging starter in J.A. Happ, and the best position player Dominic Brown. Brown wouldn't be such a stinging loss, since the Phils have solid prospects like Michael Taylor and John Mayberry Jr. in the outfield. The real pain the Phillies may feel if they pull the trigger on this excessive demand may be their future rotation, rather then their immediate rotation.

Essentially, the Phillies would trade two mainstays in their projected rotation in the 2011 and 2012 seasons. Each starting pitcher will have his contract expire within the next 3 years, with such players as Hamels and Blanton looking for big raises. Although the team will probably attempt to keep Hamels, if not both pitchers for multiple years, the money committed to their salaries must be off-set by cheap talent, such as Happ and certainly Drabek will be in those seasons. Why risk future success by throwing all the eggs in one basket and hoping the next two seasons yield at least one more World Championship?

The final aspect that most Baseball Analysts fail to realize is that Happ has been the BEST and MOST RELIABLE starter for the Phillies this season. Although Hamels is the ace, he has been fairly inconsistent, and Blanton has finally turned the corner as he continues to pitch well in July. But, Happ's numbers cannot lie as he sports 7-1 record with a 2.97 ERA. His numbers look comparable to Halladay's in a sense, but Halladay is surely better in terms of pitching deep into games, carrying a team, and experience. The question is- why spend so much for Roy Halladay when J.A Happ has been a great alternative with a low salary, and has a chip on his shoulder as he attempts to prove he deserved to start the season as a starter?

Simply put, the Phillies should back off the demands for Roy Halladay. Two excellent pitching prospects are not expendable when attempting to win in the future and even today. Even if the Phillies must part ways with Drabek, they should hold onto Happ and develop him into another possible ace in the rotation.

The Fun's Over, now Back to Work!

2009-07-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

It’s been quite a week for the Phils. It began with Charlie Manuel and staff venturing with chosen Phillies, to the MLB All-Star Game in St. Louis, MO. Every time there was a shot of the NL dugout I thought the Phils members had brought the rest of the team for fun! With Victorino, Utley, Ibanez, Howard, Werth and the coaching staff representing the Philadelphia side of things, it felt rather homey. Too bad winning didn’t translate with the scent of cheesesteaks in the dugout. The AL took the defensively won game 4-3 for the 13th consecutive time. According to the Skipper, it was quite the hectic event with a ton of publicity in and ON the field; loads of celebrities and sports anchors walking around as if they were players. I saw some footage of Charlie and Joe Torre shaking hands with LL Cool J, who could ask for anything more?

Onto Miami on Thursday, where the gang was beginning a 4 game stand with the Florida Marlins, winning the first of four with a final of 4-0. Jamie Moyer gave up only one hit in the form of a single and went scoreless for 7 straight innings. Thank YOU sir. This game also marked a huge career point for Ryan Howard. After hitting his 200th career homerun that night, he was declared the fastest player in history to achieve the mark, beating out Ralph Kiner, who set the record in the 50’s.

Friday night saw yet another win, but not for free. After going a total of 12 innings, the Phils pulled away; a final score of 6-5. Good work but no luck for Cole Hamels, who was put to rest after the rain delay in the 5th inning, giving the evening’s win to Condrey. Utley and Werth were responsible for the important runs, both hitting RBI singles. After a few extra innings, Lidge came in to settle the score, however not without some luck and oh yeah, Chase Utley. He’s said it himself, he’s rusty and in order to see the Lidge we all know and love we’re gonna need to see some confidence building… read on.

Not much happened during the 2-inning stint that was Saturday’s game. The torrential Floridian weather (POP!) left the two teams amid a cancellation, without a make-up date in sight, with the Phils down 2-0.

Today’s game (Sunday) started out with great 2-pronged defense, good ball and even better pitching. J.A. Happ took us 7 scoreless innings with the infield doing its thing. Great plays were made throughout, with notables by Happ and Werth in the 1st, Rollins in the 2nd (37 games without an error) and Feliz’s makeup grab in the 3rd. Normally consistent Pedro Feliz was haunted by the elusive ball all game. He tacked on 2 errors and every time he seemed to be taking a breath another straight shot came flying his direction. Typical.
Most runs were scored in the 2nd, when Happ singled to score his first run this year while making way for a hell of a charge. Rollins and Victorino hit darts toward the infield to produce two defensive errors from the Marlins to load the bases. Chase Utley got hit, his 14th time this year, while also batting a run in! Ibanez was next for a 2 run double with all runs/hits being scored while there were 2 outs! Thank god Raul is back in good condition, while he’s able to rest his injury whenever the chance arises, such as later in the game. A wild pitch brought in Chase on loaded bases in the top of the 9th for a 5-0 final concluding a 3 playable game sweep of the Marlins. The bullpen cycled through Happ (yes please!), Madson (keeping it real), Romero (…), Eyre (service) and finally Lidge (“once and doner”) for the last out of the game, while building the largest Phillies lead in the NL East since 1993, a total of 7 games beyond Florida and Atlanta. This helped to bring B. Lidge to a better mental standpoint after where he’s been (remember, confidence building?). No pressure, one batter, one out and look what happened… success. You bring him back, and the equation could be declared close to complete!

With all of this good news I leave you all with a few eager points of interest. We just signed Pedro Martinez for 1 year/ $1 Million. Bring it on; this is one of the better decisions I’ve seen from a financial standpoint in a while. He’s off to the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs this week to work himself out of the whacked shoulder that put him on the 15 day DL as soon as he signed. If he sucks, we drop him in a year. Considering he’s a multiple Cy Young winner that kicked major ass in the Red Sox years, we’ll definitely roll forward on that contract if he can produce.

Then we have Roy Halladay, the Toronto starter who is looking less like a prospect everyday. Although Philadelphia tops the list of possible future homes for the pitcher, he probably won’t be getting what he wants salary wise with the numbers looking 20-30% lower than desired by Halladay. He won his 11th game this season today, and it was his “last” day as a Blue Jay under contract. With the trade deadline looming in the July 31st distance, we think about the love we have for our team…

By: Andy Troutman
7/19/09

Step Right Up and BEAT the Mets!

2009-07-05T13:50:00.000-07:00

Thank god the winning at home has started again; let alone the beautiful bounty that is beating our most hated enemy in baseball. The Phils returned home this weekend for the independence day holiday sweeping the Mets in 3 games. This is superb news, even if the Mets aren't at their peak performance of the season. Sunday's game was a great way to end the series; consistent defense, solid pitching and all around clean baseball.

Jimmy Rollins returned from his pine-pony ride at the beginning of this weekend. Seeming to have no signs of saddle soreness he played well all weekend, and hit a solid lead off home run in the 1st inning of Sunday afternoon's game. He has been doing some work on his stance throughout the year and now that he's back in action, we can see his improvements and the effects thereof. His front foot has made it's way closer to the inside of the box, while he's been holding his bat a bit higher with some more power behind it. Not that we are looking for a ton of power from the lead-off hitter, let alone J. Roll, but it's always exciting to see hard work paying off.

Lopez on Friday, Moyer on Saturday and Blanton on Sunday made for a tri-fecta of power pitching to lead the team against the Flushing Fools. Rodrigo Lopez (another former Lehigh Valley Iron Pig) performed extremely well in his Phillies debut game on Friday, excercising great pitches and awesome defense for just over 6 innings. Saturday followed, having the home of liberty ringing with celebrations of freedom, while Jamie Moyer pitched his 600th start, for just over 6 innings with 5 hits and just 1 walk. After making it through Durbin, Romero and Madson to get to the 9th, the Brad Lidge save oppurtunity reared it's head. Luckily, he responded well throwing 2 strikeouts for the win. Sunday's game was yet another example of what great pitching can do for the team. With Joe Blanton taking us 8 innings, showing his strength as a starter and helping his at home wins (1-7 starting at home) we were able to expect the unexpected. He created playable balls including a couple of nice double plays, while keeping the Mets to a low hit number, with no runs scored. Again we see Lidge for the save oppurtunity and again he pulls through in traditional "old-Lidge" fashion. With that being said, I'd like to think we can count on him for some more traditional Lidge ball in the upcoming games. His psychological status is on track, and he seems to not be letting the knee injury stop him, mentally or physically. Sounds like he's singing "I've been working my way back to you..."

Having the ability to go 3-26 at bat this Sunday, while winning the game, sweeping the Mets and exemplifying excellent pitching, helps fans to see that the Phillies may be back on track. That damn month of June Interleague play messed with our minds enough, back to the NL and Citizens Bank to put some wins under our belt!

By: Andy Troutman
7/5/09

It's a bird, It's a Plane; It's John Mayberry Jr.

2009-06-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

On the off chance that you’ve been living under a Philadelphia rock for the past year, you may need an introduction to one of the best minor league call-ups the Phils have recently seen. Coming from the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs, 25 year old, right-handed outfielder John Mayberry Jr. was born in Kansas City, MO, and made his major league debut for the Phillies, May 23rd at Yankee Stadium. Instantly making his name known, Mayberry blasted a 3 run homer in the 5th to bring the lead while batting 2-3 in the game. At 6’ 6’’ he’s only 1 inch taller than Jayson Werth, making this Stanford alumni (yes really) the new tallest player on the 2009 Phillies. Having baseball in his DNA, Mayberry’s father (John Mayberry Sr.) also had a habit of hitting, especially while on the roster for the Royal’s in the mid-70s.

Fast forward to the beauty and fun of interleague play, and we see more of the same. Last night, June 23rd was a reminder as to the Mayberry power. Batting a three run homerun in the fourth (his seventh of the season), it was hard to not be excited. The game was thrown by the incredible error count on the shoulders of the Rays, but the strong Phillies offense proved to be too much for the Tampa team. This incredible 10-1 victory brought to an end the 6 game-losing streak created after being swept by both the Blue Jays and Orioles. All of you that are up to speed on the powerhouse that is John Mayberry Jr. are well aware that we are in for a heck of a season if he stays healthy.

By: Andy Troutman

Moyer’s Importance Beyond Each Inning Pitched

2009-06-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

By: Evan Flamm

6/23/09

The to-date performance by the Phillies pitching staff may be lackluster, but the team manages to hold the division with their potent offense. There has been a relatively low amount of consistency coming from any starting or relief pitcher, caused by fatigue, injuries, and underperformance. Brett Myers, a reliable starting pitcher down the stretch of the 2008 season, was lost early in the season and Chan Ho Park’s ineffectiveness as a starter forced two young southpaws, Antonio Bastardo and J.A. Happ, to take the reins as the new base of the Phillies pitching staff. These two players may hold the key to any playoff push the Phils may pull off. Barring a big trade for an over-priced starting pitcher, the Phillies may have to rely on Happ and Bastardo for most of the season to mature and pitch up to their potential.

Rich Dubee will have his work cut out for him, as he tries to turn around all the current pitching issues with most of the pitching staff. However, one part to note is that Dubee is helped by Jamie Moyer, whose 22 years of experience pitching in the big leagues could be the keystone needed to drive the Phillies to another playoff run. Also, with eleven pitchers in the staff and Charlie Manuel’s expertise in hitting rather than pitching, the two year extension at the end of last season for Moyer was really paying him for his ability to teach the other hurlers and to pitch consistently.

Although his numbers have been less than stellar in the early parts of the season, including a dismal 6.09 ERA, Moyer has quietly been the silent workhorse the Phillies are craving right now with all the injuries. In his last six starts, Moyer has pitched 6 innings or more, eating up valuable innings that have been lost from short outings from the starters as well as injuries to vital bullpen pieces like Brad Lidge, Clay Condrey, and the 50-game suspension of J.C. Romero. His latest start against Toronto on June 17^th showed his commitment to the team by struggling through six innings and giving up 6 Earned Runs in order to give the bullpen some breathing room.

Besides each pitch he throws, his value cannot be overlooked in his teaching ability to these young hurlers. We saw in October how valuable his teachings were as Cole Hamels dominated the post-season after picking apart Moyer’s brain for the past two seasons. The camera shots into the Phillies dugout often show members of the pitching rotation consulting with Moyer on different aspects of the game to hone their abilities into perfection. Moyer needs not to convince these players, as he has dazzled professional hitters for several seasons with his 83 MPH fastball and lackluster repertoire of pitches. This 46-year-old pitcher has used every available resource in the game to keep getting hitters out, which few pitchers take advantage of due to their explosive fastballs and devastating secondary pitches.

Bastardo and Happ, like Hamels, have decent fastballs, but can be killed by pitching over the middle of the plate with their average curveballs and change-ups. For example, in Bastardo’s first major league start, he overpowered the poor lineup of the San Diego Padres with 95 MPH heat. However, the scouting report indicated that he usually hit the low 90s on the radar gun, indicating the amount of adrenaline he had during that outing. The issue arises when these pitches are served over the plate to the Carlos Beltrans or Chipper Joneses who will make him pay for such poor located pitches. As hitters adjust to Bastardo, he will need more than ever the wisdom of Moyer to utilize his pitching ability with his approach on the mound.

Often, young Major League pitchers tend to fall in love with one pitch against certain hitters and become overanxious to the patient hitters of the league, but these common pitfalls must be minimized if Bastardo and Happ wish to have continued success in this league. The ingredients for success have been shown in Hamels’s abilities, so as fans we can only hope that Moyer and Dubee can help Happ and Bastardo mature into big-time pitchers as the season progresses.

Is there such a thing as home field advantage in baseball?

2009-06-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

The Philadelphia Phillies seem to enjoy playing everywhere except, uh, Philadelphia. Currently the fightin's have a home winning percentage of .433 and a road winning percentage of .718. If the season were to end today the phillies would have a .285 home/road difference, the largest in franchise history.The "home field advantage" has been on the statistic decline since the beginning of the 20th century. Between 1901-1910 the average winning percentage advantage was .104. From 1991-2000 the average was .070. A lot of things may contribute to this. Advances in travel and modern technology is one. As well (and in my opinion most important), teams have extremely advanced scouting teams that report on other ball parks in addition to other teams and players.In Baseball the crowd doesn't have a tangible effect on the play of the game. Since both offensive and defensive baseball rely on hand and body signs, the game could virtually be played in silence.Its often pointed out that players when at home can "sleep in their own bed" and have "Home cooked meals". I would suggest that with free agency, minor league baseball and the overall nature of the game today players must realize that during their playing days the home they make is anything but permanent.Finally, It makes simple sense that when players are on the road they are more focused on baseball. In these modern times of constant information and communication its very easy when at home and with one's family to become distracted. Significantly more distracted than a player would have been in, say, 1915.On a side a note, I'm happy to see the declining existence of home field advantage. As if there was such and advantage, its ridiculous that it would be decided during a mid season exhibition game.
Posted by SteveG

The Steroid Era: I’m Looking at the Man in the Mirror

2009-05-15T15:19:00.000-07:00

5/15/09

By Ryan Hohman

I have an admission to make. I’m not proud of it, but I feel it’s time for me to exercise the demon. When I found out that Manny Ramirez had been suspended for 50 games because he tested positive for a banned substance, I giggled. My giggle then grew into frenzied laughter. It was the same snigger and howl that I use on the sidelines when a basketball official is so blatantly brutal that I cannot take it anymore. I laugh so that I don’t go crazy. I laugh to mask my anger and frustration. I laugh because it’s not funny. I laugh because it hurts; it’s a desperate defense mechanism. When the story broke, I was sitting at lunch with the only Dodger’s fan I know, but I didn’t laugh to mock him. I laughed because my reality as baseball fan had become this: the greatest hitter I’ve ever seen is a juice head…and it pisses me off. Nothing is sacred! I should’ve known better. So I continue to laugh because this is all so predictable now; I’ve been down this road before and I may be partially responsible.
I remember sitting in room 732 of Wayne Hall, watching Big Mac go deep for number 62. I was so proud to have witnessed history. I laughed because of actual happiness then, cracking up as McGwire missed first base because of his excitement. I giggled when he and Sammy exchanged their hug and uppercut and remember thinking, “Wow, it doesn’t get much better than this.” Before Big Mac and Sammy Sosa started crushing balls out of every park but Yellowstone, baseball was in dire straits. The fact that these guys looked more like WWF stars didn’t seem to register at the time…or didn’t seem to matter. Baseball was back.

America’s Pasttime had been on life support since the early 90’s. Before 1994, not even two World Wars or an earthquake could cancel the World Series. It took a labor dispute chock full of human greed and selfishness, to stop the most hallowed event in our sporting culture. The cancellation of the 1994 Fall Classic had come on the heels of 1990’s 32 day lockout. When the dust settled the names Donald Fehr and Bug Selig had become as infamous as Butch and Sundance, and baseball saw a steady decline in revenue because of lackluster attendance and merchandise sales. In short, baseball fans were livid, and they were letting owners and players know about it. The Steroid Era was baseball’s defibulator paddles. “We need more juice…let’s wind that ball a little tighter. We’ll ignore that fact that our player’s heads are exploding and guys like Brady Anderson are hitting 50 homers; the fans are coming back to us…CLEAR!” It’s not like Selig and Co. were sitting in a lab cackling like Dr. Frankenstein; everyone involved, even the fans are to blame. The Steroid Era is a product of our society’s ever-growing apathy. “Sure, I knew there was a problem, Barry Bonds needed a specially ordered helmet for God’s sake, but what could I really do about it” was and is the prevailing attitude. It was that mind-set, and the revival of the game thanks to Big Mac and Sammy’s historic homerun chase that kept MLB from “getting tough” on steroids until 2005, a full 15 years after rumblings of steroid use among players started shaking the foundation of the sanctified sport and nearly 10 years after Ken Caminiti publicly proclaimed that half the league was juiced. We got what we wanted; there was reason to cheer again, and MLB got what it wanted, its cash flow back. This indifference is the reason we are still talking about the Steroid Era in the present tense. We are living in it right now. If Manny’s positive test isn’t evidence of this fact, then you mine as well tell me that the sky is purple or that Grizzly Adams didn’t have a beard.

We fans turned our backs in the early 90’s and even though nothing really changed, (there still isn’t a salary cap in baseball which means only a handful of mostly large market teams have a prayer of winning the World Series) by in large, the fans returned to the game like an abused spouse, battered but wanting it all to work out for the best. Maybe it was nostalgia, maybe it was the overwhelming need to be a part of something larger than ourselves, or maybe it was the excitement of watching the record books being rewritten on a weekly basis. Whatever it was, we were duped. We were led to believe that these new records meant something, that the playing field was level, and that the people who were supposed to protect the game’s integrity gave a crap about things like honesty, truthfulness, and sanctity. It’s more likely that we were just victims of wishful thinking. Or an even scarier thought is that our exhilaration and intrigue with obscenely inflated numbers and sacred records crumbling like America’s infrastructure fueled the fire. Steroids were our dirty little secret. As the Balco Case, the Mitchell Report, Kirk Rodomski, Brian McNamee and a slew of steroid related cases tore the soul out baseball’s loins, we fans were left wondering how to react. We villainized steroid users and heaped angst and ire against those we felt were responsible: the players, the union, the owners, and the commish but we never hit’em where it really hurts; the only place a fan can strike with any effectiveness, their pockets.

Unlike the strike and lockouts of the 90’s, the steroid issue has not been enough to keep people from going to the ballpark, and why not? I have dubbed this the Michael Bolton Phenomena. In short, our attitude as fans has been, “why should we change, they’re the ones that suck!” Loyalty to something that’s dysfunctional or is tainted is difficult to justify and even harder to explain. That’s because it’s hard to put those emotions, the ones that keep us going back for more, into words. It’s an addiction. All that I know is that being a baseball fan has been woven into the fabric of my life. It’s part of who I am. I’m American. This is our pastime and part of our history. It is a reflection of who we are. Unfortunately, another part of our history and our national identity involves lying, cheating, bending the rules, manipulating the facts, and doing anything to get an edge. In 2009, this is the American way. This shouldn’t come as any surprise. The carefully constructed textbooks were force-fed as students have blinded us with grandiose visions of our great nation being founded on hard work, perseverance, patriotism, and unity in the face of tyranny. The reality is that for over two centuries our country’s growth and development has been predicated on defying authority and the refusal to conform even when the parameters of what is ethically and morally just must be breeched. We use people. Heck, we use whole nations. We work all the angles. We manipulate the language. And we make it look good. Like it or not, we are the most powerful nation in the world because of our ruthlessness, not because we genuinely care about spreading the principles of democracy and liberty. Likewise, the fan base of any team is not concerned as much with the social and moral implications of rampant drug use among players or the ramification on the record book as much as they are concerned about being entertained and the all mighty win-loss column. The truth is, as long as our team gives us something to cheer for, we’re not going anywhere, even though the games, and the records, and the players themselves aren’t worth our admiration. The giants of the game have fallen from grace, but what do we care?

Mannywood has been shut and the fact that there wasn’t rioting and looting in Mannywood speaks volumes of the indifference of the fans. Most fans who were interviewed seemed to feel sorry for Manny and sorry for themselves. The most confounding thing about the Manny Ramirez case, besides the fact that it would appear Manny could mash without chemical enhancement is the story behind the drug and the way the story was spun. It was so 2009. Unless he’s trying to have a baby, there is no reason why Manny’s doctor would have prescribed the drug that got him suspended for any “unspecified health condition. “ He was suspended for using hCG, a women’sf fertility drug often used by long time steroid abusers to jumpstart their testosterone production to avoid crashing after a cycle. hCG is not new. Jose Canseco was detained at the border a year ago trying to smuggle hCG across the border. Jay Gibbons and David Bell both tried to obtain hCG from a highly scrutinized online pharmacy in 03’ and 05’, and Kirk Rodomski, the former Mets clubhouse attendant whose name is now synonymous with steroids, admitted using hCG while he was abusing steroids. Ramirez, or more likely, his agent Scott Boras tried desperately to spin the story, making it appear as though this was a simple little mistake on the part of Manny’s doctors. They wanted it to appear as though this was some over-the-counter mistake and even attempted to paint Ramirez as a victim.

Let’s be clear, Manny Ramirez is not a victim. Ignorance is no longer an excuse. Major League Baseball has established a system in which the players need only to inquire if a substance is legal before they ingest that substance. It’s pretty simple. MLB has created a whole department dedicated to the sensitive issue of clearing substance and establishing which substances need to appear on the banned substance list. I repeat, there are no more excuses for players! The sport of baseball is the victim. Baseball has had a well documented substance abuse problem throughout its storied history. The golden age of baseball pooh-poohed the alcoholism of such leviathans as “the Sultan of Swill,” Babe Ruth and notorious boozehound, Mickey Mantle. These guys were idolized for their accessibility and on field prowess. During this era, everyone in New York had a story about throwing a few back with the Bambino or wacking shots the Mick. Their vices made the loveable, and their performance despite these vices made them icons. Did the Bambino gain a competitive edge by downing beers between innings? That depends on who you talk to. I know more than a few guys who will crush a softball after slugging a baker’s dozen’s worth of Budweiser’s. Either way, the fact that I can relate to the experience of drinking a few brews and smacking the ball around the diamond illustrates why the actions of guys like the Babe, or Mickey, or even Pat Burrell for that matter is, was, and will always be accepted. The other skeleton in the closet for MLB was the rampant abuse of amphetamines. For decades, beginning after WWII, ball players gulped down “greenies” to keep them going during the grind of a 162 game schedule. Considered by many to be baseballs worst-kept secret, the use of greenies was banned only in 2006 once the image conscious league decided to finally crack down on all anabolic substances. Baseball never got tough on either of these issues because the stakes were relatively low. A negative public perception of the league’s players is one thing; an all out assault on the most sacred records in professional sports is a completely different animal. Steroids changed the game. It gave guys with warning track power the ability to hit 50 homeruns (Brady Anderson). It helped a washed up ace rejuvenate his career (Roger Clemens). Steroids enabled a 30-30 guy with great speed and a better glove to become the greatest power hitter of all time while reducing him to a station-to-station base runner and a defensive liability (Barry Bonds). This is the reason why only steroid has been able to turn baseball, a game with infinite grandeur and dignity into the Lyle Alzado of sports, shriveled up and a shadow of its former self.

Baseball has sold its soul to the devil but chances are I’ll keep tuning in. For the most part, I’m just as apathetic as rest of our nation. As cynical and skeptical as I may be, the media tells me the sport has been cleaned up to an extent. Still the current system of testing is not enough to repair the damage. The consequences of a positive test simply do not fit the crime. A 50 game suspension for the kicking the game in the junk is not enough. A 50 game suspension for completely undermining the adoration of a city for championship team is not enough. 50 games for robbing an American institution of its purity is not enough. Manny Ramirez will still play in 112 games this year and collect overe $14 million despite tearing the hearts out of Dodgers and Red Sox fans while defacing the game and casting a shadow of doubt over his impressive career. All of his achievements will be called into question, and that’s exactly as it should be. There has been two other occasions in which MLB has deemed that the game had been disgraced because the standard of fairness that one would assume did not exist. In both cases, the 1919 Black Sox Scandal, and Pete Rose betting on baseball, the league handed out the ultimate punishment, the ultimate disgrace, a lifetime ban. If the MLB wishes to wash away the stain of steroids, the policy must be zero tolerance. A positive test should be a lifetime ban…PERIOD. No bogus excuses, no media spin doctors. 125 players have either tested positive for a banned substance, admitted using steroids, or have been implicated in steroids scandals. Roughly half of these players are still collecting checks from major league ball clubs. That makes me laugh.

Regrettably, MLB doesn’t have the testicular fortitude to implement zero tolerance; it’s just too risky from a financial point of view especially when the game’s biggest stars are in the spotlight for the wrong reason. Unfortunately, the game will be forever polluted by the Steroid Era. This issue will hang over the sport of baseball like a layer of smog. And just as the smog has not caused us to stop driving and start pedaling even though we know the emissions from our vehicle is the reason for the problem, so we will head to ballpark and cheer even though we know that our cheers and the money our mere presence guarantees owners and players alike guarantees that ballplayers will continue to run the risk of testing positive for the sake of gaining a competitive edge. We as fans should never forget the old baseball adage: “If you ain’t cheating; you ain’t trying.” The players, owners, and commissioner’s office sure hasn’t and we fans should be cognizant of the fact and should constantly be preparing ourselves for the next big letdown. Should we just laugh it off as a sign of the times, sad as it may be? Baseball has always been a transcendent game, one that teaches so many life lessons. It is a mirror of who we are as people. What I see staring back at me in 2009 is more gruesome than ever. Baseball isn’t the only thing that needs a facelift.

Thank You and Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Program

2009-05-07T16:22:00.000-07:00

5/7/09

by: Ryan Hohman

It’s been a busy week for me folks, and quite frankly, I’m exhausted after my Mullet Derby triumph (read the full recap below). I have to thank my personal trainer, Tony Horton and his spectacular P90X program which whipped my lazy behind into shape and allowed me to turn in the performance of a lifetime. Picture if you will, a grown man, doing Yoga at 5:30 in the morning...uh make that 7:30 in the evening. I look almost as ridiculous as Joe Torre in the Visa commercial, but it was sooooo worth it. I must also thank the legendary John the Barber from D’orazio’s Barber Shop in Fairless Hills. No other barber in the lower 48 states could’ve possibly crafted the winning mullet on the head of such a frail boy. I was boy amongst men and yet, my mullet has been immortalized. I’d like to thank my dad for the ride to D’orazio’s and for instilling in me, the patience to wait for John the Barber even though Albert’s seat was open as usual. And to my mom, for telling me how good my hair looked when I got home. Those kind words gave me the confidence I needed to stare down the stiffest competition in the world and come out on top. I must also thank my fellow competitors, dysfunctional as they may be. You guys were the inspiration for my mullet and paved the way for a younger generation of mullets to prove themselves on the grandest stage of all…tear. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry…Thank you all!

Now that the Mullet Derby is behind me, let’s get back to your regularly scheduled program.

Don’t look now but the Phillies have leapfrogged the field and clawed their way into first place by winning 7 of their last 10 games. The Fightins have been helped by a floundering Marlins squad who has lost 6 of 10 and the sputtering Braves, who’ve hit the skids, losing 7 of their last 10. The Braves have hit the fewest homeruns in the league (19) and have made up for it by stealing the fewest bases in baseball (4). A killer combo. Add injuries to Brian McCann and Garret Anderson to the mix I haven’t seen as disastrous and an amalgamation of losing attributes since Kwame Brown combined hype, expectations, inability, and lack of work ethic. This also known as the superfecta of suckiness. In other news, apparently the Phils are overstuffed with Cheese Steaks and Butterscotch Krimpets because the home cooking has been more Old Country Buffet than gram’s roast beef and mashed potatoes thus far. The squad is paltry 6-8 at the Bank. The boys have made hay on the road however with a league best 8-3 mark outside the “City of Brotherly Shove Your Face.”

The Phils had been mashing the ball until last night’s yawnfest. Baseball purests will claim that they love to watch a pitcher’s duel, but last night’s game had the excitement and suspense of Randy Jackson’s “Idol” criticisms. “So check it out, yo, yo, yo. Check it out….aight, aight. So yo, it started off kinda boring, but then you picked it up, and I was like ‘yo, these dudes can blow’. Both teams got outta some jams, you were a little pitchy in spots. HFFF (deep inhale through his teeth), I don’t know though yo, it was just aight for me. It was just aight.” I saw the line score and immediately broke into Harry Doyle mode. “Three hits? That’s all we got is three g*d d*mn hits.” Then I realized the Mets were even worse…against Chan Ho Park of all people. If you enjoyed watching a game that had a total of 5 hits and was decided by poor Phillies defense, you must also enjoy dung flavored ice cream. The Mets starters have sucked this year with the exception of Santana and Pelfrey. Guess who the Phils will see in this two game set. With Pelfrey (3-0) and Jamie Moyer (3-1) taking to the mound tonight, this may be the worst mini-series network TV has seen since Michael Bolton, Patti LaBelle, and Nick Lachey teamed up for “Clash of the Choirs.” That’s only if the game isn’t rained out. Someone has mysteriously switched our climate with Seattle’s. I blame the Socialists…and PETA.

Cole Hamels is slated to start for Phillies tomorrow and is still looking for his first win. Quite simply, Hamels has almost reached Mega Maid Status this year. In case you forgot, Mega Maid is what Spaceball 1 turns into in order to suck all the air out of Druidia. In other words, Hamels has sucked big time. In 17 and a third, he has given up 14 runs including 5 round trippers. Opposing hitters are hitting .365 (righties are hitting .382!) off Hamels and he’s lasting just over 4 innings per start. I personally don’t think enough has been made about how Cole reacted to twisting his ankle in his last start. If I can get detailed analysis about every crap that Brett Favre has taken over the last week, I should at least get Peter Gammons mentioning the fact that no adult has whimiped out like Hamels did when he blew his wheel since Harry let Sea Bass hock on his burger in Dumb and Dumber. Seriously, you can’t at least attempt a throw to first pretty boy.

Don’t look now but Jayson Werth is totally proving me right. He’s lazy in the outfield as evidenced by him costing the Phillies the game last night. Sure, Pete Happy should’ve probably eaten that throw, but Werth didn’t move to back the play up until the throw was in the outfield. Then he committed the Cardinal Sin for outfielders: he was indecisive because he didn’t know the situation and double clutched before making his throw to the plate. Fat load, Carlos Delgado should never score from first on a ball hit to third base. EVER! If Werth’s little league coach would’ve taught him that he needs to move on every play and that as an outfielder, you must get the ball in ASAP, last night’s game may be suspended due to rain in the middle of the 37th inning. I also remember mentioning that he would hit around .260 with 20 or so homers and 75 RBI. Check his numbers so far… I’m a genius.

OTHER STUFF ON MY MIND:

The Celts-Magic Series is going to be determined by the play of Brian “Veal” Scalabrine, Eddie House, JJ Redick, Skip to My Lou and Mickael Pietrus. I’m now going to rewrite the script from The 40 Year Old Virgin replacing “You know how I know your gay” with “You know how I know the NBA blows”

You know how I know the NBA blows-the guys I mentioned above have uniforms

You know how I know the NBA blows- referees blatantly fix games and everyone knows it

You know how I know the NBA blows- Jamal Tinsley was paid almost 7 mil this season to stay the hell home

You know how I know the NBA blows- Samuel Dalembert one upped Tinsley making 10 mil and I wish he woulda stayed home

I could go all night!

A nice subplot developing in the C’s-Magic series is how many uncontested rebounds Rajon Rondo will rip out of a teammates hands. Big Baby and Kendrick Perkins must incentive laced contract that Danny Ainge is trying not pay out. My theory is that Ainge and Rondo are in cahoots. I’m keeping my eyes peeled. If I see Ainge and Rondo giggling in the tunnel at the half, I’m launching a full investigation.

I hate the Lakers and especially Kobe which means I love Yao and Ron Artest….this week. There’s no doubt that no other series has worse hair. As if Scola, Vujacic, and Gasol aren’t enough, we have to look at Von Wafer’s Mohawk (when Rick Adelman lets him sit on the bench), and Artest combining the pseudo-mohawk (also worn by Big Baby)/Anthony Mason combo. The only combo that has caused more pain this week was delivered by Pac Man to Ricky Hatton’s face.

I would love to get a number on how much weed the Denver Nuggets smoke as a unit. These guys must rip through QP’s like it’s nothing. Between Kenyon Martin, Melo, JR Smith, Chris Andersen and Renaldo Balkman, I can’t think of a more weeded lineup. Chris Andersen has got to be smoking something. There’s just no other logical explanation for his act. I’m guessing players only meetings consist mostly of gravity bongs, Dutch Masters, Wu-Tang, and Madden, with Scarface showing on an adjacent flat screen of course.

The Cavaliers may not lose a game…ever again. I know this is a clear mushing, but their focus has been phenomenal especially when you consider that Delonte West is one of the scariest looking people in America. Is he black? Is he Hispanic? Does he have any leprechaun in him? Seriously, he scares me. And that LeBron James, whew, he could be a star some day.

The Caps-Pens series is a real treat. I know hockey’s not relevant, but playoff hockey is fantastic especially when the three best players in the world right now are playing in the same arena. Sid the Kid is a complete pansy and spends more time on his back than Britney Spears, but there hasn’t been a guy who scares the crap out me when he has the puck behind the net like Crosby does since the Oilers played the Flyers in the 87’ Stanley Cup Finals. At the age of 7, I damn near soiled myself everytime the Great One touched the puck. And if he was behind the cage, forget about it, I hid my face in the couch pillows. Sidebar: JJ Bag a Donuts goal in game 6 is one of the greatest memories of my childhood. Watching Evgeni Malkin is like watching the And 1 Mixtape Tour on ice…only he’s actually really good. He makes defenders look ridiculous and he makes it look really easy. Those guys are good, but I’ve never seen anything like Alexander Ovechkin. He’s my hero actually. There’s never been a player, that I’ve seen who’s as skilled with the puck, as good a goal scorer, and manages to still hit everything that moves like Alex the Great. He’s so good that he stole Alexander Mogilny’s nickname. I would love to see Mogilny say something about it. Ovechkin would chuckle, then snap a wrister off his temple then run him over with his Benz and do donuts on his corpse. He’s that tough. I’ve loved the Flyers all my life, but I’m seriously contemplating getting an Ovechkin jersey. I know that is a breech of etiquette that would be the equivalent of serving diarrhea to your dinner guests, but this dude is freakin’ awesome.

Life is grand isn’t it…my mullet is immortal, the Phils are in first place, there’s plenty to complain about and make fun of while the NBA Playoffs are in session and one hockey series matters. I’m a lucky man.

Mullet Derby Recap: Expect the Expected… and the Unexpected While You’re At It!

2009-05-07T13:11:00.001-07:00

5/7/09

By Ryan Hohman

Post Positions for the First Mullet Derby

1. Jags in the Breeze (Jaromir Jagr)- (SCR)

2. Dude Nails Dickstrap (Lenny Dykstra)- 20-1

3. The Eck Man Cometh (Dennis Eckersley)- 10-1

4. Wild Thing (Mitch Williams)- 9-2

5. King Bozroids (Brian Bosworth) [NFL Exemption]- 7-2

6. Primetime Neon (Deion Sanders)- 18-1

7. Big Mac Crybaby (Mark McGwire)- 12-1

8. Dutch Lunacy (Darren Daulton)- 12-1

9. Pretty Homoerotic (Mike Piazza)- 70-1

10. Snitches Get Riches (Jose Canseco)- 14-1

11. Curly Kid Mullet (Gary Carter)- 30-1

12. The Big Unit (Randy Johnson)- 3-1

13. Shooter McMullet (Rod Beck)- 8-1

14. The Nut Krukker (John Kruk)- 12-1

No Pic avail. 15. Ry Hoh’s Revenge (Ryan Hohman) [author exemption]- 99-1

Mullet handicappers from across the globe flocked to Levittown Downs at Neptune Lane Wednesday afternoon trying to cash in on the first ever Mullet Derby. Jags in the Breeze had become the bettor’s choice on Tuesday, overtaking The Big Unit, the morning line favorite. However, Jags in the Breeze’s handlers decided to scratch the most dominant mullet of the NHL breed citing the mullets difficulty acclimating itself to the surface. The weather forecast didn’t bode well for Jags’ connections either. A week of rain and thunderstorms all but guaranteed a sloppy track and Jags’ connections didn’t want to risk injury especially since Jags prefers ice and because he’s already slotted to run in the NHL breed prestigious “Party In the Rear Handicap.”

Pretty Homoerotic had a difficult time getting in the gate. He stood a few feet behind it for several minutes with his goatee agape staring at the backside of each mullet. During this time, Wild Thing, who arrived late and was reportedly heavily intoxicated, puked all over himself and reared violently as Pretty Homoerotic tried to give King Bozroids a jump. To pass the time while Pretty Homoerotic tried to violate the field with his eyes and member, Snitches Get Riches pulled a pocket mirror from his mane and stared longingly at himself and silently decided he needed to switch back to flat top from feathered, while Primetime Neon applied a generous glob of Jheri to make sure his mullet’s drip was as good as it should be. “This is the mother of all mullet races,” Primetime thought, “it’s no time to look like a chump.” Dutch Lunacy passed the time bragging about how this race was in the bag since he would be teleporting to the finish any second. Big Mac Crybaby seemed to appreciate Dutch’s foresight and sniffled, “yeah let’s talk about the future,” in a voice that was half yell, half hysterical cry. As Big Mac sobbed, Dutch Lunacy continued to rant and squeezed in no less than 10 plugs for his new book and website. Dude Nails Dickstrap had had enough by this time. He whipped his head around sadistically spewing chaw and hate in Pretty Homoerotic’s direction. PH finally broke and with lip a quiver and mullet flattened, he finally waddled into the gate.

The field broke from the gate like a thunderclap. At least most of the field broke from the gate. Snitches Get Riches was apparently so engrossed with his own reflection that when the others broke, he remained frozen, staring at his reflection. Wild Thing stumbled and then crumbled into a heap of sweat and vomit. He laid motionless on the track, groaning and trying to justify wearing number 99 even though he drew post position 4 and his fastball topped out at 89 mph. Dutch Lunacy also remained motionless. Beads of sweat soon appeared on his brow and onlookers reported that he was murmuring strange incantations under his breath obviously trying to carry out his planned teleportation.

As the field passed the Grandstand for the first time and headed for the Clubhouse Turn, Primetime Neon snatched the lead, set a blistering pace, and covered the track in juice like the oil slick defense in Spy Hunter. As the field hit the backstretch, Wild Thing was stumbling around by the gate, Dutch Lunacy had crapped his pants from intense concentration caused by trying to push himself into the future, and Snitches Get Riches was telling everyone who would listen that his performance today was not his fault. In fact, he was heard shouting, “I’m gonna write a book about this sh*t. You’re all screwed!….Now where the hell is my flobee,” before disappearing into the crowd. Primetime Neon still held the lead, and was being stalked by Dude Nails Dickstrap on the outside who hurled tobacco juice laced racial epitaphs at Primetime with each stride. The leaders, who were leaving a trail of disaster behind them, were followed by a pack that included King Bozroid with Pretty Homoerotic staring lustfully at his “Party,” and The Nut Krukker who was loafing along singing “Sweet Home Alabama”to no one in particular. Curly Kid Mullet followed looking rickety and Big Mac Crybaby was still crying and now mumbling “I hate myself, I hate myself” under his breath. Shooter McMullet whose flowing locks couldn’t conceal the fact that he was about to have stroke, and the favorite, The Big Unit, whose acne scars flared with intensity and fury rounded out the chase group. Still further back were The Eck Man Cometh, whose feathered tresses and stache waved breathtakingly in the wind. Last was the unheralded long shot Ry Hoh’s Revenge who was slow out of the gate because he was reapplying his Butch Wax to the front of his spiky mullet masterpiece. Many handicappers thought Ry Hoh’s Revenge was a little out of his league in this field, but he looked strong as the leaders hit the far turn.

The field turned for home, and all hell broke loose. A hooded Dude Nails Dickstrap supporter hurdled the rail and tackled Primetime Neon, crushing his Mullet Derby dreams and committing a hate crime in one fell swoop. Dude took the lead but only momentarily. Wild Thing, who had been wandering near the gate and mumbling inaudible nonsense, saw three of his old pal (DND) striding toward him. For the first time all day, Wild Thing decided to run... right into oncoming traffic at the middle Dude. Drunk Thing extended his arms into wide, man-hug ready position and repeatedly slurred, “I’m coming to get you little buddy!” Dude reacted too late to avoid the bear hug and was flattened by Wild Thing’s display of affection. Pretty Homoerotic who hadn’t stopped staring at King Bozroid’s “Party” since the field had passed the Grandstand and thus, did not see the developing melee in front of him. He was tripped up when Drunk Thing stuck out a lifeless arm moaning, “the Mets are gay hahahahaha!” Pretty Homoerotic would not let the mullet of his dreams escape however, and he drug King Bozroids to the ground with him and immediately began to caress Bozroids’ lightning bolts. What started as drunken man hug, would end as a 8 mullet pile up. Curly Kid Mullet tried to hurdle the drunk, the anti-Semite, and the new couple, but the impact of his landing shattered both of his weary knees. Curly Kid Mullet writhed in pain and barrel rolled directly into a hard charging Shooter McMullet knocking him out of contention. Big Mac Crybaby Mac saw the Wild Thing and Dude in a love embrace and decided he wanted in. He jumped on the two of them and performed his signature man hug which included a jovial uppercut to the solarplexes. On impact, Wild Thing horked again, this time in projectile fashion and covered The Big Unit in sludge just as he tried to slide by on the outside. Blinded and disoriented, The Big Unit tried to regain his composure, but skidded into the rail after twisting his ankle on Dude’s residual chaw.

The only mullet from the chase pack to escape the debacle, The Nut Krukker, sqeaked by at the rail and took the lead. The Nut Krukker held the lead with 300 yards to go, but he was fading. The sweet tune he was singing earlier was replaced by heavy panting and a reapeated “Oh crap, oh crap, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die.” Meanwhile The Eck Man Cometh was closing like a freight train. As the two approached the line, Eck Man with a full head of steam and The Nut Krukker on the verge of a massive heart attack, the unthinkable happened. Dutch Lunacy appeared out nowhere shouting, “I did it, I told you I could travel through time. Who’s the psycho now suckers?” The Eck Man Cometh and The Nut Krukker both plowed into Dutch Lunacy who evaporated on contacted. The Eck Man and Nut Krukker laid dazed on the track as the only mullet left standing came to the wire. It was Ry Hoh’s Revenge who had managed to avoid the pile up on the turn for home Cole Trickle style and coolly jogged across the line winning the first ever Mullet Derby. The Eck Man Cometh managed to come to his senses and in a display of unheard of sportsmanship, Eck Man drug The Nut Krukker across the line, ending the mayhem. Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, Ry Hoh's Revenge. He's psyched huh?

The final running order looked like this:

Win: Ry Hoh’s Revenge (99-1) Win $202.12 Place $101.06 Show $75.70
Place: The Eck Man Cometh (10-1) Place $ 25.16 Show $16.11
Show: The Nut Krukker (12-1) Show $12. 12

Exacta (15-3) $1,780.42
Trifecta (15-3-14) $998,477.66
Superfecta (15-3-14-8) $7,024,912.66

Also Ran:

4th Place: Dutch Lunacy-Next closest to the finish and the only competitor to teleport

5th Place: King Bozroids- Still running from Pretty Homoerotic

6th Place: Pretty Homoerotic- Still chasing King Bozroids and giggling

7th Place: The Big Unit- Might kill someone, namely Wild Thing

8th Place: Curly Kid Mullet- Will collect his check after he collects his legs

9th Place: Big Mac Crybaby- Still crying and snuggling with Dude Nails Dickstrap on the homestretch

10th Place: Wild Thing- Still drunk

11th Place: Trying to get Big Mac off of him. Still hates Primetime Neon and considers the hooded “supporter” a good investment

12th Place: Shooter McMullet- Was so pissed he had to be euthanized on the track so he didn’t hurt someone

13th Place: Primetime Neon- Can’t believe “the Man” got him again

14th Place: Snitches Get Riches- Writing a tell all book as we speak

SCRATCHED: Jags in the Breeze- Relieved!

Tough Way to Drop a Game You Were Going to Lose Anyway

2009-05-06T18:52:00.000-07:00

By Pete Lieber

All across the Delaware Valley, those inclined to have the number of a bookie in their phone, and the lack of fortitude not to use it, dialed their daily bets in and probably laid wood on the Mucking Fets tonight. You'd have been ridiculous not to if you had a few bucks to put up. Of course, you'd have had to lay a lot more on the line than you were going to win with Johan Santana on the bump against Chan Ho Chi Minh Happy Trails After 3 Innings Park.

But a funny thing happened on the way to collecting your winnings. South Korea had something to cheer about, and in as much as Fightins fans can get excited after one outing, you should be that excited. Park went out and pitched, and pitched well. Mixing his pitches (could Ruiz have something to do with that), moving in and out of the strike zone with deceptive cunning, coming up with big outs when in a rock-rock game, big outs were needed. And who knows how much longer he could have gone, had not Uncle Chuck lifted him for Eric Bruntlett with a runner in scoring position and 2 outs in the top of the 7th. Bruntlett went gently into the good night after 3 pitches. Park, by the way, had made Santana throw more pitches than any other Phils hitter all evening.

As Phils fans, when your pitcher keeps you in it against a guy the caliber of Santana on the road, a 1-0 loss is tough to take when you consider that they scored an unearned run in a season where unearned runs have been all but non-existent. Should Pedro Feliz not have thrown that ball to first? Probably. Should Jayson Werth have come up firing instead of trying to keep Carlos Delgado in a rundown from 200 feet? Probably. But how often do these things happen? And in a season when bats are loud, in baseball, there are always nights when they are humbled. It was just one of those nights.

Take heart in these small tidbits Phightin Phans: the clientele at Citi Field, a cavernous stadium where left-handed power goes to die, is about as impressive as the Iroc-driving, Brittany Spears-listening, fake gold chain-wearing knuckleheads that try and take over Citizens Bank Park when the Fets are in town. There's idiots in every stadium, but I particularly enjoyed the two Met fans with their hats on sideways wearing sunglasses and screaming (God knows what because I guarantee it was linguistically indistinguishable) in the ninth inning. They probably act as the Turtle and Johnny Drama to Frankie Rodriguez, a super acquisition for the Fets talent-wise, but he just feels to me to be a little to Fet-ish. A little too cocky. A little too fits in that locker room. Which as Phils fans, you should absolutely love, because that locker room couldn't finish a team-building exercise for short bus students.

And to put one more smile on your face before we finish up the series tonight, think about how much Jose Reyes looks like the criminal mastermind Victor Duncan from Jim Belushi's classic "The Principal."

I’m Playing Hard to Get

2009-04-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

4/30/09-Happy Birthday Dad!

By Ryan Hohman

This is so typical. I decided last week that I need a little space from the Phillies and they’ve responded much like the middle-school girlfriends I compared them to a week ago. They’re trying to win me back. Let’s be clear though, the Phillies performance over the past seven days has left me contemplating reconciliation, but their effort has not even come close to the acts of desperation turned in by love-crazed adolescent girls who longed for this guy to be their beau. Take for example the 24 inch, gold Figaro Chain that turned my neck green in a matter of minutes, given to me by my sixth grade girlfriend. Imagine my delight when I realized how nicely the chain complimented my Miami Dolphins Zubaz and hyper color t-shirt. It was a good effort Kristie, but I had no intention of returning one of the 300 notes that were FYEO (for my eyes only)! Hit the bricks. The Phillies hot week which included an astounding double comeback-double grand slam performance cannot hold candle to the No Fear hat my seventh grade girlfriend hooked me up with to top off my stone-washed overalls (which I wore with only 1 strap up of course), Chris Mullin Dream Team jersey, and original white on black Filas ensemble. A valiant effort from you Meghan, but no matter how many times you give me your phone number, I’m not calling you toots…unless Keith and I decide to prank you to add insult to your injured heart. Peace! The Phils gave me 5 good reasons to take them back in the form of 5 impressive wins but still couldn’t match the gray Stussy shirt Jenn gave me for our 1 week anniversary that happened to match my faded purple jeans and charcoal Gazelles flawlessly. This ultimately wasn’t enough for Jenn as I realized while opening that present that Jenn was not particularly attractive and while I appreciated the shirt and the attention, I had to alienate her into a forced breakup ASAP. Love is fleeting, a chasing of the wind, and so too, is April baseball. We’re about to turn the page on this first chapter of the season, and while I’ll continue to flirt with the Phillies and continue to the lead them on, I’m just setting the stage for the dog days when I’ll make the Phils my steady. This way they’ll really appreciate me. I may even walk through the mall with them with my hand in their back pocket and their hand in mine. Wait…strike that from the record. For now, I’m playing hard to get and refuse to limit myself to just watching the Phils.

My ex, the Phillies who have been pulling out all the stops to win me back, have had some serious competition this week from a number of “ladies.” Let’s take a look at the week in review.

The Ex- The Phillies (We’re really just on a break)

The Phils were 5-1 since the last time I wrote and have scored 43 runs over this span, an impressive bid to win back my exclusive affection. The Phils subjugated the Marlins in a weekend series after the Pirates speared the Fish in a three game set in Pittsburgh. The Fightins’ outscored Florida 26-9, crushing their confidence and sending them further into a tailspin that even the likes of Kit Cloudkicker or Maverick would have had difficulty recovering from. I haven’t seen someone’s will to play so thoroughly trampled since my 21st birthday performance at Iron Hill Brewery in West Chester. Legend has it, my roommate Tim and I hit Rex’s for half-priced shots then barged into the uppity Chad and Mitch Factory also known as Iron Hill, wearing sweat pants, hoodies, and hats slightly askew. There’s nothing better than everyone looking at you in disgust in a snob sanctuary such as this. I love that hate. After a few Pale Ale’s (you can’t get a Bud or Miller there, they brew their own…big freakin’ deal, it’s twice as much money and half as good) Tim and I got seats at the bar about 10 feet from the band. We then proceeded to bellow out Crash Test Dummies smash hit, “Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm” for a solid 25 minutes, totally drowning out and completely mocking the band. Flagged and elated, we were ever so kindly escorted off the premises, but I’ll never forget the looks on the faces of the band members as we passed by, still heckling them. They hated us, but they knew we got the best of them. That’s how the Marlins looked during the Phillies 13-2 beat down on Sunday…like they just heard “Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm” for 25 minutes straight. The Marlins added injury to injury when stud Hanley Ramirez took a pitch off the hand the other night. He’s day to day, but we can hope that the training staff down in Miami oversleeps in the tanning bed or gets busted scooping some high-priced calls girls and drops the ball with Ramirez’s rehab. Best case scenario: the hand becomes gangrenous, needs to be amputated and we all have a good laugh at the training staff’s expense.

My Weekend Fling- The NFL Draft (Oooohhh, I feel so dirty!)

Did Matthew Stafford know he was going to be the first pick and that he was going to be on TV? He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, which if I signed a contract for 41 mil, I may have a hard time sleeping as well. I would probably spend most of my time changing that money into all coins and erecting a safe like Scrooge McDuck so my family and I could swim in the loot. The pool of coins would of course become rock solid when the Beagle Boys try to dive in and steal my cream. Someone should have offered Stafford some gel or something because he looked like he had his head out the window of the limo on the Van Wyck. Unless he was wearing his Lions hat all day or just came from Scores where he made it rain Pacman style, there no reason why a grown man, wearing a suit should look that unkempt on the biggest day of his life. Draft day may be the last time we see Stafford with a smile on his face, unless he doesn’t care about winning.

Breaking News: Kiper’s hair moved…twice…not on its own though. You could sense Mel’s concern for Oakland Raiders fans. The franchise has been run into the ground by the Montgomery C. Burns of owners and their first three picks pretty much cemented their fate as bottom feeders for the next few years. Heyward-Bey is a nice receiver but to pass up Crabtree and Maclin flies in the face of conventional wisdom as much as wearing a white windbreaker suit every day and maintaining a slogan of “Just win baby” when all you do is just lose...baby. Too many babies. Here’s a look at Oakland’s recent first round successes.

08’- Why take Jonathon Stewart or Chris Johnson when you can have Darren McFadden? McFadden limped for 784 total yards and 4 TD while totally ruining my fantasy season. Shame on me for counting on a Raider and a former Hog.

07’- I remember the buzz: JaMarcus Russell can throw the ball 70 yards from his knees! Awesome and John Elway threw the Nerf Turbo from one end of the earth to the other (24,901.5 miles to be exact). The problem is, JaMarcus can’t move in the pocket because he’s a defensive end playing QB, he’s clueless reading coverages, and shows terrific arm strength while throwing balls to the other team.

06’- Michael Huff- The sixth pick overall had 28 tackles and no picks in 16 games last year. Donte Whitner, who the Bills snagged with the next pick, had three times as many tackles despite playing only 13 games. Why hasn’t the whole scouting department been liquidated?

05’- The Raiders could’ve really used a solid back in 05’ but passed on bums like Frank Gore and Marion Barber. Instead they decided to sure up their secondary with Fabian Washington. You’re probably saying to yourself, “who the hell is Fabian Washington?” Exactly! This guy has never had more than 43 tackles in a season. If you spend 16 games on a football field, you get run into by the guy carrying the ball at least 50 times. The most shocking thing about the 05’ draft from the Raiders standpoint is that they didn’t trade up to get the only other DB taken in the first round of 05’, the one and only Pacman Jones.

04’-Robert Gallery- I think this one speaks for itself…

Their second pick this year, Michael Mitchell, was projected by most to be an undrafted free agent or 7th round pick by most prognosticators and team officials, so it may have been a bit of a reach like people with convertibles who put the top down and blast the heat when it’s 55 degrees out. Note to people with convertibles: if your heat is on, it’s not warm enough to put the top down. Nobody cares that you have a convertible (especially if it’s a Sebring) and I wish nothing short of walking pneumonia on you and your children.

Their fourth rounder Louis Murphy is another bum in the making for two reasons: 1. He was drafted by the Raiders. You can’t dispute or downplay what a culture of losing can do. It permeates through all parts of an organization (Just ask Lions fans, Clippers fan, and Nationals fans). Right now the Raiders have cornered the market on the permeation of loserdom. It reminds me of what happened to the Delta Chi fraternity in West Chester. One gay brother infiltrated the camp, and even though there were some cool guys left, a portion of the frat took their turn swinging from both sides of the plate. They still gelled their hair with the best of em’ and acted tough at parties when they were 25 deep, but you had to watch your backside if you got one alone. No frat snatched as many turds over a 5 year period (98’-03’)than WCU’s D Chi chapter. 2. Florida receivers just don’t pan out. It’s amazing that all of these guys run 4.2 40’s at Florida’s pro day and during Florida’s Spring workouts but seem to get chased down by safeties and linebackers at the next level. Seems fishy right? For further examples of Florida guys who go bust in the NFL see Gaffney, Jabar, Caldwell, Reche and Taylor, Travis. In other shocking news, it was revealed this week that former Gators receivers Percy Harvin and Brandon Tate tested positive for marijuana during the combine…they must have been set up. It’s amazing that these guys are so talented and so determined to blow it. Like Lorenzo the Bus Driver said, “the saddest thing in life is wasted talent.”

The Birds raised some eyebrows by taking Jeremy Maclin with their first pick. If both J Mac and D Jack stay in town, it could be fun to watch and fun to say. Can you imagine the confusion this is going to cause Mike Quick. This may be the year Merrill turns and says (do the voice) “shut the hell up you stuttering dope.” Maclin is a slightly larger version of Jackson and will make plays in the open field and can be dangerous in the return game. The addition of LeSean McCoy will probably spell doom for Lorenzo Booker. Good riddens, you no talent waste of a roster spot. I really hope the Birds pick a RaSean or JaySean next year to add to our streak of Seans. Cornelius Ingram may turn out to be the steal of the draft. Ingram was ranked 44th overall and was the second best TE available. This beast can block and catch the ball. I won’t have to scream at my TV anymore, pleading with L.J. Smith to just go down before his inevitable fumble. As of now, I’m slotting Ingram in the 4 spot of “My Favorite Guys Named Cornelius List” just behind…

3. Cornelius Bennet- One of two guys you could blitz with and then easily run a receiver down with even though he’s 70 yards down field on the same play in Tecmo Super Bowl. If you don’t know the other one, we couldn’t possibly be friends.

2. Don Cornelius- As a white kid from the Burbs, there was nothing more comical to me than watching that cartoon train roll in and Don Cornelius’ silky voice introducing my favorite songs. I would sit in front of my TV with a cold glass of black raspberry Kool-Aid and wish I could move like that. The Soul Train Line is something to behold.

1. Yukon Cornelius- The greatest prospector of the North. His contribution cannot be overlooked. If it weren’t for Yukon, Rudolph’s entire family would have been brutally slaughtered by the Abominable Snow Monster. However, Yukon knocked him out with an ice boulder allowing Hermie, the misfit toymaker turned dentist to remove his chompers rendering the ASM defenseless. Yukon then pushed the “Humble Bumble” off an icy cliff, apparently sacrificing himself, saving the day and all foggy Christmases to come. We come to find out later that, thankfully Bumbles Bounce, Yukon is alive, and reformed Bumbles can help you finish off your decorating. Whew, and who knew?

The Girl Who Sweats Me, But I’m Not Interested- The Sixers-Magic Seri

Dwight Howard’s elbow has singled elbowedly given the Sixies a fighting chance in this series, and for some reason, I still probably won’t watch game 6. The quality of play in this series has been the basketball equivalent of a chocolate covered turd. I find nothing interesting about watching Turkish hitman Hedo Turkoglu and black hole Rashard Lewis jacking up threes on one end and Andre Miller clearing out the right side and stumbling to the basket on the other. Sammy Dalembert has finally served a purpose this year. He staggered and flailed around enough to frustrate Superman into an above the shoulders elbow, forcing the league’s hand. That’s worth 10.5 million this year right? He brings little else to the table, so let’s just develop Marreese Speights who is statistically one of the league’s most efficient players. I’m so tired of hearing about how great Sammy’s feet are. Well if his feet are so great, why doesn’t he play on his hands, maybe then he would actually catch a pass that’s right on the money with his toes. I can’t wait until the Sixers draft a 6’8 slasher who can’t shoot again this year. This team will be a mediocre 6 seed and one and done in the playoff for years to come. There is no sport’s city in the country whose management, as a whole, is more satisfied with mediocrity. This is why we boo and are quick to turn our backs. Give us a championship or buzz off.

My Crush Who Reciprocates My Flirtation- The Bulls-Celts Series

This has been, by far the best first round playoff series of all time. With the exception of a game 3 C’s schooling of the Bulls, the other games have been decided by a maximum of 3 points. There have been 3 overtime instant classics, and some of the worst playoff coaching I’ve ever seen. How does Ray Allen foul out with 5 and a half minutes left. I’ll admit that both calls were bogus because NBA officials blatantly orchestrate and borderline fix these games, but c’mon Doc. You must protect your team from losing arguably the best clutch shooter of all time. Oh yeah, and Vinny del Negro, who needs his dad on the sidelines for emotional support must have been combing back his feathered locks in a mirror somewhere at the end of game5. There’s no other explanation for not attempting to force the ball out of Paul Pierces’ hands. Everyone knew what was coming. It wasn’t like Doc was drawing something up. The play was “Paul’s gonna shoot his shot from the elbow that he never misses. The rest of you get out of his way.” Some of you are going to cringe when you read this, but I love Joakim Noah. His whole act is exactly what is should be. He gets paid to piss people off the way Tone Loc gets “paid to do the Wild Thing.” He has Sideshow Bob’s hair, Michael Strahan’s gap, and a dirty mustache that rivals Napolean Dynamite’s Uncle Rico’s furry gem. He’s an agitator in the same vein as Dennis Rodman, and he’s doing a great job at playing his role. He’s the Sean Avery of basketball. He’s a little different, and under your skin like an acne outbreak lying in wait for Prom Night. I hope this thing goes 7.

My Crush Who Ignores Me and But Makes Up For It By Ignoring Everyone Else Too- The Kentucky Derby

It's ironic that the Derby favorite is I Want Revenge. It seems as though the casual fan has been getting revenge on horse racing in general lately. I cannot remember a Derby in recent years that has crept up so quietly. This year’s Derby is “The Sidler” from Elaine Benes’ office who, continues to skulk about despite tic-tacs in the pocket. Maybe this year the horse racing industry will exacts its own revenge in the form of an unheralded Triple Crown winner. I’m setting myself up for disappointment, I know, but here are my choices.

Tri-box- I Want Revenge, General Quarters, Musket Man, Friesan Fire, and Pioneer of the Ni

$10 on Dunkirk across the board

I have no grounds for any of these picks and once I hear who Love likes, I’ll probably just start tearing my tickets up like Sonny and the boys in Bronx Tale when Eddie Mush comes stumbling down the grandstand.

Back to My Ex- The Phillies

Just when everything was going well, the Phils lay an egg and can’t manage more than a run off the winless Scott Olsen, whose ERA is over 6. I know I’m hyper-critical. The Phils have earned a much needed day off, but again, this is typical, middle-school girlfriend stuff. Just when I have the space I need, she invites me to Sesame After Dark when I already have reservations with boys at OV Mall so we can patrol the Food Court for Council Rock girls. Some people just don’t respect a man’s space.

Hitting and Pitching Pushes Phillies Win Streak to Five

2009-04-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

By Ian Sontag
4/29/09

The Philadelphia Phillies are on a season high five game winning streak and now only a 1/2 game out of first place. On the flip side, the first-place Florida Marlins have gone 1-7 over their last eight, including getting swept by the Pittsburgh Pirates, then by the Phillies.

Pitching, when the starters haven't pitched well, the relievers have picked up and vice versa. When the pitching has needed the hitting, it's been there.

After a rough start in the early going against the Atlanta Braves, the Phils have hit many multiple home run games, including two grand slams (one by Ryan Howard and one by Raul Ibanez) on Monday night at Citizens Bank Park.

Seven home runs by Ibanez at this point in the season? Did you think that would be the case? I surely didn't. Does that make you think of Pat who? Perhaps not. It's still early this season. He is, however, gotten to a few more balls this season in the outfield than Pat Burrell would've.

Did you think Howard would be off to such a solid start, hitting over .300? Or even Chase Utley hitting his seventh homer last night after having offseason hip surgery?

One thing I definitely would not have counted on was Jimmy Rollins' slow start. I'm sure he'll get it going soon as well.

Pitching wise, with Cole Hamels only giving you 4 1/3 innings in his last two starts, it puts a little strain on the bullpen, but they seem to handle it. Jamie Moyer's stellar outing on Sunday's 13-2 win in Florida was able to give that bullpen a much needed rest.

After last night, with the Phils bullpen pitching 4 2/3 in relief of Hamels getting a sprained ankle, Chad Durbin won't be available tonight against Washington, perhaps neither will Clay Condrey. Brad Lidge still nursing his sore knee, moves up Ryan Madson into the closer's spot.

Hopefully starter Brett Myers can get a quality start in for the Phillies tonight and get his season rolling in the right direction.

So a little bit of shuffling with another timely day off coming Thursday, before those beloved New York Mets roll into Philadelphia for a weekend series. Good News? At least we'll miss Johan Santana, as he pitches today against the Marlins. The rest of the starting staff is averaging just under 4 2/3 innings per start and their bullpen is very suspect as well.

With any luck, the Phils can keep this rolling for a while, until Hamels and Lidge is back to 100%.
But who needs luck when you have hitting and pitching working together, helping each other out, and finishing out the first month of the season strong?

NOTE-Keep in mind the Phils have given up a season high 40 home runs in just 19 games (2.1 homers per game average).